I can’t stop thinking about my marriage
Photo of Carol Fare in conversation

When you’re trying to work out what to do about your marriage, it makes sense that you think about it a lot.  Your marriage is important to you and if you’re trying to figure if you can save it, of course you’re going to think about it. 

You’ll probably have questions like

🤔Should I stay and give it another go?

🤔Is it time to call it a day and leave?

😞But what if I make the wrong decision?

😥And what about my children?

You may well find that these questions, thoughts and worries are pretty constant.  With you all the time.

This is what the mums I work with tell me.   That they’re always thinking about their marriage.  Trying to work out what to do.  But never getting a clear answer so that they know what to do. 

And they tell me it starts to affect their life.  They’re thinking about their marriage so much they can’t focus or concentrate on anything else.  They can’t sleep, concentrate on work or enjoy time with their kids.  Which they feel guilty about because they feel they’re letting everyone down. 

They just want to know what to do.  But can’t get to an answer that they can stick to.  One day they decide they want to stay and give it another go.  The next they’re ready to throw the towel in.  And all the time the questions keep going round and round in their head, so they can’t focus on anything else.

All of which makes it much harder to work out what they want to do about their marriage, and then to take action.  Which means they stay stuck in a marriage that’s not working, drifted along with nothing changing.  And nothing getting better.

So it’s really important if you’re trying to work out if your marriage can be saved, to find a way to manage the constant thoughts that you’re having.  So that they don’t take over your life, or make it harder for you to move forward.

And a great way to do this is to use thinking time, which has 3 simple steps.

1              Schedule thinking time

Allocate a regular time each day to think about your marriage.  This is your thinking time.  Put it in your diary, set a reminder on your phone or whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this commitment.

2              During the day

During the day when you think about your marriage, make a note of it and remind yourself you can give this attention in thinking time.  Then get on with whatever you were doing.

3              Thinking time

When it’s thinking time, set an alarm for 20 minutes, get out your list of notes from the day and allow yourself to think about your marriage.  Allow your brain to think about whatever it wants – your marriage, you fears about whether you can save it, what you’ve tried, any thoughts, worries or questions you have about your marriage.

When your alarm goes off thinking time is over.  Stop and do something else – preferably something enjoyable.  Go for a walk, read a book or play a game with your children

⭐️ Bonus tip ⭐️ It’s best if thinking time is not just before bedtime.   This will make it easier to switch your brain off from thinking time and avoid carrying on mulling over your marriage when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Mums who’ve used thinking time tell me it has stopped thoughts about their marriage taking over their day, so they can concentrate on and enjoy other things again.

And because they’re not thinking about their marriage all the time, it helps them to see things a bit more clearly.  Which makes it easier to figure out what to do next and then to make it happen.