Everything he does irritates me

Do you have days like this?

When everything your husband does annoys or irritates you.  And you end up saying something.  Telling him what’s annoying you.  Which comes out as grumbly or moaning.   And your husband tells you you’re just being moody.   Which does nothing to improve your mood. 

You may be interested to learn that your brain has a part to play in why this is happening.  So let me explain a little about how the brain works

Evolution has given us brains which are constantly on the lookout for what’s wrong so we can recognise potential dangers.  It’s part of our survival instinct which evolved to protect our caveman ancestors.

This built-in alarm was perfect for our caveman ancestors when they were in regular physical danger.  So they could spot the next threat, such as woolly mammoth, and get out of the way.

But in the present day, we’re no longer in regular physical danger as our ancestors were.  So instead, our brains tune into and notice the negative things around us.  And completely miss the positive.

This means that with your husband, you only see the things that annoy and irritate you.  Or the things about him you wish you could change.

The mums I work with in the Mend Your Marriage programme tell me that understanding this is a gamechanger for their marriage.  It explains why they have days, weeks or even longer when whatever their husband does it annoys them.  And why they notice all the things they don’t like in their marriage.   Completely missing all the positive.

The good news is that you can retrain the brain to notice positive things in life too.   Which will turn down the negative focus.   And begin to notice the positive things in your marriage and what’s working well.

Gratitude practice is a great way to do this. When you spend some time each day noticing the things you’re grateful for, have gone well, or you’ve appreciated.  And when you include your marriage, you will start to notice more of the positive things in your husband. 

I use a technique called 10 finger gratitude practice.  This is how it works

  1. Think of 10 things you’re grateful, counting them off on your fingers
  2. When you first start using this practice, start by listing 3 things you’re grateful for, building up to 10 as you find it easier
  3. Start by thinking of your life as a whole, then move onto your marriage
  4. Make gratitude practice a daily habit

Once you start a gratitude practice, you will notice that you see life with a wider perspective.  And notice the positive and negative things in your life.  

This will help you to feel less irritated by your husband.  And when you want to raise something with him, it is much less likely to be heard as being moody or moaning.

Give gratitude practice a try and see what difference it can make to your marriage.  

The Art & Science of Marraige

Carol Fare’s Blog

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